As if it isn’t completely obvious, I totally fell off the blog for the last few months of a year. In November I posted about being in a slump. The goings on in my mental state, my unsettled ways. To be frank, it’s not really any different now, but with the new year, like everyone else, I am seeing it as a fresh start. I wonder what the Frank that that phrase first came from was like? He must have been blunt as fuck.
I particularly feel guilty that for the first time in my photo projects with Juniper, I have completely slacked. I was so diligent the first two years. I haven’t stopped taking photos, but I lost interest in the project on a personal level. Read, I really lost motivation to leave the house with her looking presentable come weekends. I hate that.
I’ve never really been a resolutions person, and I’ve never stuck to them when I have made them. I decided that I will lay out goals this year that I would like to see happen, but not absolutes that I will be ashamed about when they don’t. I turn 30 this year. People will tell me it’s just a number, and in the moment it may feel that way, but right now, it feels pivotal. So I am making an outline of goals that will potentially have tangible results that I can see, and track progress and growth from.
- My Marriage: It is in a very new territory right now. Not one I entirely like. We have been together 10 and a half years and it’s never been what my “idea of marriage” looks like, but I really need to reign in my list of expectations. I read all the time that expectations make a marriage fail, and that is not an option for me, but it sure is looking plausible. This isn’t a one sided goal, however I know that I need to assert my own changes if I expect to see results.
- Find contentment with myself as a source of happiness and learn to rely on my husband less in order to get there.
- Blame him less. This goes hand in hand with finding my own happiness, my own success. He shouldn’t be expected to fix my issues, even the ones he assisted in creating.
- Listen to his answers, and be ok that often times his answer is “I Don’t Know”. Realize he doesn’t actually know the answer to my Why’s and How’s and When’s.
- Be kind. I am a bitch at a level that is so embarrassing. I treat everyone in my life with a kindness that is not passed to him.
- Let go. Seriously, just let the past be just that. I know he has wronged me, he knows he has wronged me. The longer I hold on to those resentments, the more it eats at us. He is a drug addict, who did some really damaging things to our relationship. He f’d up a lot, for many years. Stop holding it against him, it’s lost relevance.(This one will be tough.)
- Find something to do as a couple. Often. Our differences have never been more glaring. Similar interests are few and far between. Twice a month participate in a meal, an event, a concert, anything that doesn’t include our child. Be present.
- Parenting: I think questioning yourself as a parent is normal, and expected. I however, see my shortcomings on a jumbo screen right now.
- Put my damn phone down at home. At least until she is in bed. There is nothing more important in those few hours I get with her in the evenings.
- Play with her. Get on the floor and participate, interact, be present.
- Re-establish routine. I was so good at it in Colorado, our routine was on point, she slept like a champ and whined way less. To say it’s gone to hell is an understatement. Stop being lazy and just do it, accept the tears and middle of the night fights and know they are temporary, and the results will improve everyone’s mood.
- Get back to documenting her. She is changing so fast right now and I am not going to remember it all. But I have to try!
- My Health: It’s on everyone’s New Years list right? I don’t have a certain weight I need to get to, there is no number. But there is a feeling I want.
- Accept that my personal happiness is directly related to feeling good, so make time to be active, every single day.
- 60 min in the morning or at night is not impossible. Set an alarm and actually walk out the door and give my self that time.
- Take additional positive steps with food choices. They don’t suck, unless no one is watching. Resist all late night food that shows up with Matt. Kill that corndog craving that lurks in. Dead.
- My Career: It is in a place where I feel like I have an actual purpose and role in a way I have never felt before. I love how that feels. Nothing is going the wrong way, so my goal is simply to enhance it.
- Maintain personal growth
- Expand on continuing education to be more informed.
- Explore licensing simply to be a larger asset.
That reads like so many things I need to work on, but the reality is, they are all crossovers. Find happiness for myself and I will be a better wife, a better mom and a better professional. This is the duh moment. Look how easy that is.
My 2016 Goal: Self Fucking Love.
Also, stop censoring myself. I swear, and I won’t be pressured into acting like I don’t.