It’s hard sometimes. And that’s okay

Moving is Hard. I love the new adventure, but packing is for the birds. Moving really does bring out my best and worst personalities and just ask my husband, I have many.

My best is coming out because this is really my, seize the moment, seek adventure, change is good, mode that I have on occasion. My worst is coming out because I find myself contemplating how good it would be to move alone, without a husband or a child. Just Do Me. This insane feeling + the stress leads to some nasty commentary coming from my mouth. All of which is directed at said husband. He is stressed too, he is trying to get A’s in school and keep our daughter fed, and pack up a house and go to work every night. It’s brutal.

Last night she decided to have gas or night terrors, it’s open for debate. But we didn’t sleep at all. She cried and whimpered all night. I tried for a while, he tried. I got up and tried again, got twenty minutes of quiet and she was at it again. I woke up to the two of them passed out on the couch. It’s happened once before and it sucks. Straight up.

We said terrible things to each other and when I left the house this morning, he said I love you, I grumbled it back. Marriage + Parenting at the same time has got to be the biggest joke on humanity ever. I know single parents might scoff hearing me complain about having a partner in life that is entirely involved in being a parent and committed to his daughter. I feel ya. I couldn’t do it without him. But the dynamics of the two of “us” have also been completely skewed and we weren’t all that strong before we had Juniper. We were coming off not being together for a year and a half. We were still relearning living with each other.

So tonight, I get to try again to be a better wife. In our five minutes of passing as I come home and he leaves, I’ll try to squeeze out that apology I owe, and I’ll bite my tongue when I feel like he owes me one too. He apologizes always. Me, not so much. It’s hard when I can find a million ways to justify myself. Even when I am Blatantly in the wrong. I’m not like this with other relationships I have. Friends and Co-workers get my over compensating to appease attitude most of the time. Or SmartA$$. There is always that.

Realizing the flaw is good right? I hate being “that” wife. So onward I go. Hoping for some sleep and stability tonight. And some make-up lovin’ perhaps? Grossed out? Good.

I also rear-ended a car a few weeks ago. It was so minor, I was alone, no one got hurt. But the barely bent bumper ended up being $5k in internal fixing of things. Thank goodness for insurance. In addition to that damage they learned that the brake bearings seem to be failing, so I can’t drive it until they are fixed. Next stop dealership. It’s not like I have 3,500 mile trip happening in oh, 17 days. 17. (Insert crying emoji here for dramatic affect)

Essentially it just feels like it’a all adding up to a bad idea. It’s expensive, it’s exhausting, stressful, etc. But then I sit here and think about the opportunities for our family, the museums, art galleries, the ocean, so many food options, sporting events, the fun new adventures I get to go on with Juniper, the activities and friends she’ll make. So when I have all that to look forward to, how can I possible stay so whiney? I get to start fresh, see the country, make sure chickens maintain their alive status, and there are so many people in this universe who will never have the opportunities I have had. Some never leave their home town, step onto a plane, visit a national monument or meet people of a different backgrounds.

So in conclusion, life is hard sometimes. Marriage, parenting, moving, LIFE. Hard, but so good.

So. Good.

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