I didn’t miss my daughter, but I’ll explain.

This weekend the husband and I spent 4 glorious days away from town, away from the kid and away from reality. It was lovely. We spent 3 days at Riot Fest. We got to feel like we were 21, not 30 and pushing 30. We rode bikes around Denver and got rained on and didn’t care and laughed a lot.

# F I V E Y E A R S T H E H A R M O N S

I have gotten some harsh criticisms from friends for not having a heart. You know the gush I don’t embrace? I have no feelings, I am cold, etc. The truth is though, my heart is pretty solid, I just don’t go crying about things that life brings, I don’t give many hugs because well, it’s not always fun to smash boobs into other people, and I don’t fake artificial joy. I keep it real y’all.  So when they heard that I wasn’t all that sad to be away from my daughter, they had commentary that I just dismissed.  I checked in with my mom a couple times to make sure they didn’t drive off any Colorado cliffs. But I didn’t ask if she took her naps, what she ate, or if she was behaving. Because my mom kept me alive and knows what type of diet we keep Juniper on so I figured she could manage just fine.  Don’t get me wrong I was looking forward to seeing her after the trip, but I would be a straight up liar if I said I missed her.

Here is why.

I didn’t miss waking up and trying to figure out what to feed her. I didn’t miss trying to plan my day around her potential naps. I didn’t miss checking the diaper stash. I didn’t miss planning lunch and dinner in advance. I didn’t miss trying to keep her alive and not walking into oncoming traffic. Sometimes being a parent is overwhelming, and all of the time it is hard. I don’t mind doing any of these things,  I enjoy cooking for her, I am proud that I have kept her alive but I just don’t look forward to meal planning and packing and unpacking the car. If you do, that special seat in heaven is all yours baby!  I love her more than words, but that doesn’t mean I always wake up excited for what mess she will bring, what diaper concoction I’ll be smearing off her butt and what amount of teething tears I will face.

I loved taking my time getting out of bed. Wandering down to get a coffee and a bagel. Watching nonsense TV while Matt studied. Walking over to a shady nail place for a pedicure. Eating dinner after the shows, not before, at late night diners.

It was a trip that was very much needed. A weekend that our marriage needed. A weekend that our brains needed to separate from school and work and parenting. So I don’t feel guilty that I wasn’t ready to come home. I don’t feel guilty for being labeled heartless. She was in good hands and we, as a couple, were able to connect.

We came home with a new puzzle and book for her and she was the sweetest little thing when the three of us sat down on the couch. She just smiled back and forth between the two of us and happily destroyed the Anthro bag. She had fun, my parents loved it, they took her on so many adventures. Ultimately, she was happy so see us, just like we were happy to see her.  All is well. Next time we leave her again, all will be well that time too.

B O O K S & T R A I N S & A C A N D L E F O R M E

I am so excited for this weekend! It’s time for our next road trip for my A Year Driven Project! I have a spot in mind but where the car actually stops, I have no idea. It will include all things fall schemed and a very silly kid. I am also going to attempt to make homemade apple butter. If it’s a success, I’ll share the deets. If not, I will never mention it again. This truly is my magical time of the year. For many it’s Christmas, but Fall is my jam. Scarves and sweaters, boots and beanies. Hoodies and Vanilla Chamomile Tea. Candles that smell like cookies and burnt firewood. The transition from my iced coffee with soy to hot coffee with soy. Perfection.

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