I’m adding this warning in advance. This is so not a fun post. I am a major downer today. You’ve been warned.
So many changes. All happening really fast. Too fast? Maybe. I haven’t decided yet.
Change one? I am potentially done with chemo, treatments, cancer, being sick, uncomfortable nights, random vomiting and going to the doctor every single week. Potentially. Meaning I am still waiting on that final scan and the all clear from my oncologist. But this is a big change. I kept reading and hearing that it’s actually tougher once you’re done with treatment. How is that possible? But I totally get it right now. I’ve been more emotional the last week then I was the entire time I was dealing with it all. It’s frustrating. Frustrating that I don’t feel sad, but I randomly cry. Frustrating that writing that line, made me tear up. What in the world? Frustrating that I don’t feel super stoked and all jazzed about it. I should right? Because trust me I am happy to be done. Maybe it’s the onc’s all clear I am waiting on? I am excited to never have the taste of a port flush in my mouth, I am excited to get some decent hair back, I am excited to live like it never happened. But it did happen.
And now I am expected to just move ahead and be normal. I want normal!! But have no idea what that is at the moment. I mean nothing about my life was normal leading up to the diagnosis, so how do I get back to it? Honestly I don’t think there is a “getting back” to anything. Thanks to changes two and three. Instead I have to create a new normal.
Change two? Moving up to the mountains, living with Matt again and resuming a “normal” married life. We don’t know what normal married life is anymore. Our married life before rehab and cancer was never all that normal. It was a battle, and constantly trying to find balance and compassion and love. So now we are being thrust back into it, hoping for good results. Like it’s a science fair project. Wanting the outcome to be a positive one. Taking away the drug use of course, is going to be a big part. I mean without that, the chances are already better. But I am feeling blunt today and I’m going to be honest. I have some serious trust issues with him. The anxiety I get when he is out of the house for five minutes too long sends me into the worst mindset. I picture him od-ing and lying in a ditch, I picture him sitting in a strangers car, exchanging money and drugs and I see the glass pipe that I have come to detest. I see the seizures, the big eyes completely vacant, the complete absence of him, his personality and the guy I really really love. Too heavy? Yeah it’s too heavy for me too. So we know we have to work through the issues. They are going to be there, with or without him being sober. He may never again give me a reason not to trust him, he may be the perfect example of what recovery looks like and go on to be the most amazing man, husband and maybe someday a father. But my mind will always have the tiny notion that it could all change next month, next year, or maybe not for 5 years. I want to be the hopeful, positive wife with unlimited faith that it will never happen again, but I’m not there yet.
I am very open with him about these feelings, he knows I have my guard up. We have discussed counseling, and it’s probably something we will need to get serious about pretty fast. I’m not a therapy person, I’ve never thought to seek help in the form of a leather sofa with a middle aged person analyzing me. The stereotypes, all being based on movies and tv, seeing as though I have never been to therapy. I guess I can’t really know I’m not a therapy person if I’ve never tried right? But I grew up independent and strong willed. I have been the fixer for as long as I can remember so it’s not in my nature to go get fixed. I have figured out most everything in my life on my own. But you know it’s probably time to get some outside perspective when your own parents, who firmly believe God will pull you through anything if you have faith, and seeking Him is the end all answer, when they tell you, that you need to get couples counseling, something they aren’t super into, you should probably look into it. Ugh.
And Change three? Well with the move, comes a new job. And this I see as really positive and exciting and good! But anyone who’s ever walked into a new job, where everyone already knows the dynamic of the relationships, knows it is going to be awkward. The job duties themselves make me a little nervous. It’s the interaction with new co-workers that actually has me worried though. I initially started working with mostly guys. I love working with guys. I get them, they get me. It’s always been that way. Then in SF the office went through a merge and acquired lots of ladies, roughly my age. It was weird at first but we all became really close. We learned about each other’s lives, lovers, baby daddies, annoying family members, awful in-laws and all things that come with a group of females 22-30. But girls also get catty. I hate catty. Then moving to the Denver office was equally weird. I went from a room full of gossip and chatter and people I loved going to happy hour with, to an office of 3. My boss, and nice guy in his 50’s with three teenagers I related to way better, a lady with lots of kids and grandkids, and myself. Woah, talk about instant lack of common interests, the absence of happy hour and no socializing. So now, here at this new job, the office staff is 100% female. Ages ranging from 25-45 give or take. Granted I’ve only met two of them, one a mom and wife and my boss. The other a sweet, very pretty girl who looks very close to my age. They key word there was pretty. That nonsense intimidates me! I have already started losing sleep over what to wear, are they cool, are they stuck up, when will I get my first fat check to get a new wardrobe, I need winter outfits, cute boots, this is going to be a disaster. Do you see the power females have over me? I couldn’t care less what I show up looking like currently, but come next week, I am going to be a complete mess. Why????
So changes, they are a happening. Sincerely, I am nothing but hopeful about it for the most part. Change itself hasn’t bothered me. I moved a lot when I was little, changed schools and towns and neighborhoods more than once. Even as an adult, in 7 years, I have lived in 3 states and 7 different towns. Meeting new people excites me and laying down light roots wherever we end up is always fun. Experiences are what creates us. I’m glad to get to rekindle my relationship and work out what our “new version” of marriage is going to look like. I’m glad I get to go live in a cabin on 80 acres with deer in the yard, fun neighbors, a garden if we so choose and views of Mt. Sopris that can’t be beat. Glad to have new friends that you run into at the grocery store or at the park because with a tiny population of 7,000 it’s bound to happen. Where art festivals include people you know, music in the park is being played by the guy you met at the coffee shop and life runs just a little bit slower. Glad I get a fresh start with a company that is going in a forward direction that has potential to take me places I hadn’t thought of before. Including internationally. Glad to know that in a few years, if we are sick of living up there and are ready for another change, we will have options, and solid friends to stick with on yet a new adventure. Glad to know there is a school where Matt can finally complete his education, while being surrounded by sober friends who find happiness in ping pong and ice cream socials.
So really there are a ton of positive changes to look forward to, and plenty of reasons to be hopeful. I figure if I can make it through the next month, life will start to settle into something. If not, I may just go 51-50. A padded room might be comfy.